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Finish The Story III

1 vote

I am very glad to have been asked by Cherry to do a new Finish the Story challenge! Hopefully this can become another challenge like the ThinkWrite Challenge, with each winner taking a turn creating a challenge.

I will give you a few sentences to start. Just keep writing from where I left off. Please retype (or copy and paste) my sentences to the beginning of your response.

Here is your beginning:

Rain pelts the roof of her van. The drops sound like coins falling onto the metal roof, and she likes the noise. Hearing the rain fall so loudly makes her feel like the world is smaller than she knows it is.

NOTE: My beginning is in present tense, but you can continue it in any tense you like. If you do change it, be sure to alter my opening so that it matches the tense of your story (e.g. ‘-s’ turns to ‘-ed’, ‘is’ turns to ‘was’, etc.).

Word Limit: Minimum = none. Maximum = 300 words.

Judgment Day: I know most of you are busy this time of year, so I will judge this in three weeks, on January 8. If no one or only one person has responded by that day, I will lengthen the deadline by one week. If there is still only one response, that person will win the challenge.

Questions, Concerns or Thoughts?: Comment or send me a personal message.

set Dec 18, 2011 by workingoutaname (480 points)
edited Dec 19, 2011 by workingoutaname
Finally! There's a number three! Thank you, WON for taking this responsibility!!
I have a question. Does the word count include your beginning or just our story, like take away the beginning in the count?? If you know what I mean.
I am starting my story, so I just wondered.
P.S. I am very bad in word limits! LOL I go WAY over the limit!! I write too much :)
Nope, you don't have to include my opening in your word count. :)
Good to know. I've done my story a short while ago though. Please take the time to read it soon :)

5 Responses

1 vote
 
Best response

No title, but exactly 300 words. Again, it was the first thing that popped into my head.

*************

She coughs, and the taste is warm and sour in her throat. Her nose is running, but she can barely raise an arm to wipe the mucus away. Tears stream down her face and her head lolls forward. She coughs again, and this time she can’t stop the bile rising. She musters the strength to put her hand to her mouth, but another, more violent cough sprays the contents of her lunch on the van’s windshield.

Her throat is burning now. She spits to clear her mouth, fearing that if she swallowed, she’d bring it up again. The music that has been blasting out the stereo suddenly stops. The silence confuses her, until she realises it’s only a break between songs. From the back of the van she can hear the muted cries and muffled bangs of her children. This brings on a fresh wave of tears, just as the music kicks in again, drowning everything out. It’s on random loop, but Biffy’s “Living’s a Problem” seems oddly appropriate

The van shrinks, and darkness closes in. With each tortured breath, something else fades from view. First the trees, then the dashboard, and now the steering wheel. She can no longer raise her head, staring instead at her hands folded gently in her lap. Then they too disappear. She closes her eyes, and doesn’t open them again.

The cries for the back of the van grow steadily more feeble, the bangs on the side of the van weaker until they too stop. The stereo continues to blast out into the silence, a scratch causing an endless loop; “Drowning in misery-drowning in misery-drowning in misery”. The engine finally subsides, guttering to halt, and is eventually, terminally, followed by the stereo, the battery drained. Silence crashes in, swallowing the van and all inside.

answered Dec 19, 2011 by morshy (197 points)
whoa. That was intense, morshy. Very well done. I liked that a lot!
Lovely and exactly 300 words!! Love that :)
Excellent job morshy! Congratulations! It is now your turn to create a "Finish the Story Challenge". :)
Thank you for choosing my submission. I'll have a think, and I'll post a new "Finish the story" challenge in the next 24 hours.

Thanks again.
Well done morshy :)
Can't wait for the next Finish The Story challenge!! Especially, because I started them!! :)
Sorry guys, but there will be a very slight delay in posting the next "FTS" challenge. Really don't have any time to post a challenge, so if y'all can bare with me til Wednesday 11th, I'll post something then.

Sorry again!
lol sure i can bare with that! :)
0 votes

Rain pelts the roof of her van. The drops sound like coins falling onto the metal roof, and she likes the noise. Hearing the rain fall so loudly makes her feel like the world is smaller than she knows it is. As she lies in the backseat, she reflects on the argument she and her sister had had a couple hours before. They’d never fought like that before and she didn’t know what would happen next. She was on her own now with nothing but her van a couple hundred dollars to her name which she knew wouldn’t get her far. She couldn’t sleep so she began driving again, it helped her think about anything and everything. Sometimes the silence was unbearable but so was the sound of anything else but the engine. She drove and drove, her destination nowhere in particular and stopped only for sleep and gas. She traveled for days until she arrived in a small town. Her face still covered in the mascara that had run from crying and her hair a mess, she stepped out of the car and approached a small building. She wasn’t sure what it had once been but she hesitantly peered inside. It was completely empty except for a small table and a chair. She walked back to her van and grabbed her purse, blanket and keys knowing she’d be here for a while. She laid the blanket down on the dusty wooden floor and it creaked when she lay down. She tucked her purse beneath her head and slowly drifted off to sleep.

answered Dec 21, 2011 by nikkisunshine (14 points)
Welcome to ThinkWrite, nikkisunshine! Thanks for the response! :)
This is a really interesting story, and well written. The only critique I have is that there are some tense problems. At the beginning, it is the present, but later it is the past. It would be best if you chose one and made the entire story either past or present tense (of course, the sentence about the fight with her sister will always be past tense, since it isn't happening in the car).
I hope that made sense, it felt like I was kind of rambling there!
WON, I understand what you were saying.
And, nikkisunshine. I agree with WON but overall I loved it and welcome to ThinkWrite :)
I think you wrote that little flashback about the arguement with your sister and then you got into writing like that, you carried on writing in the past tense. I know the feeling. I do it loads :)
0 votes

TITLE: What happened next?

Rain pelts the roof of her van. The drops sound like coins falling onto the metal roof, and she likes the noise. Hearing the rain fall so loudly makes her feel like the world is smaller than she knows it is.

There's a big thunder with lightning and the sky goes pitch black. She gets out of the van. Suddenly, a big block of rain starts falling down from the big dark clouds that start covering the black sky. She holds her hand out to feel the heavy rain pouring down into her hand. She stays there, soaking wet. 

Everyone starts running round the street with papers or umbrellas over their heads.
Slowly, the lights switch on inside the cosy houses, until she's left all by herself in the rain, still staring at her bright white van. She stands still, not a single part of her moving. Maybe she blinks, maybe she doesn't. She isn't sure. The rain is too heavy. Slowly her head bends down, until she falls to the ground...

answered Dec 21, 2011 by CherryBabe (285 points)
edited Dec 21, 2011 by CherryBabe
OMG this is probably the shortest story I've ever did! Phew! Including the beginning, the words were 169/300 !! Yayy!!
Seriously, I just wrote randomly and then it turned out like this. It took me less than half an hour. I decided to end it there.
Very nice! However, you start the story in the van (where she is hearing the drops) and then suddenly she is outside. Simply adding a sentence where she leaves the van would fix that, though, and you've got plenty of word-room to add things. haha! Also I noticed two tense problems in the last two sentences.
All in all, I thought this was really great! Nice work!
Nope. I didn't take it the wrong way, in fact I am happy you have some points and I will fix them right away. Don't worry and thank you very much for the advice and I just noticed the tense problems there too. :)
And I didn't know it was inside the van... I thought it was outside.. :S So...er....
There. That should do it! You can check it. I filled in the mistakes now. :)
Very good Cherry!
LOL :P
0 votes

Rain pelts the roof of her van. The drops sound like coins falling onto the metal roof, and she likes the noise. Hearing the rain fall so loudly makes her feel like the world is smaller than she knows it is

She had just finished reading Khaled Hosseini’s ‘ A Thousand Splendid Suns”.  Nana was right when she told her daughter Mariam that ‘ Like a compass needle that  points north, man’s accusing finger always finds a woman, Always.’ And Mariam had to remember that.  Mariam had Nana to tell her.

 Sukina didn’t have a Nana.  She had no one. But herself. 

She put away the book. The world was indeed smaller. The rain had stopped now. The road was getting clearer. The rain that had pelted on the roof of her van reminded her of the accusing words of her in-laws. Sharp, loud and incomprehensible. It was her fault that her man had been in debt, had strayed and now was a drunk. He had accused her for all his faults. But she knew better.  And she had to continue her journey.

She dreaded going home. She dreaded the accusing eyes, the lashing tongues. And she made a decision. Every little tension suppressed over the years suddenly seemed to surface. Every little tension demanded to be released.

She started the van and made a U-turn. She was not going back. She need not answer to anyone. She was a working woman. She did not need their money. They were dependent on her. To hell with them! She was going to start a new life. There would be no turning back.

She smiled as though a heavy weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Somehow, fininshing the story in the dim light in the van had given her courage and wisdom..yes wisdom...She was going to fight for her rights. She was happier than she had ever been these past 3 years. She needed music.. She looked down to turn the knob to her favorite radio station.And she looked up... All she saw  were two blobs of a bright blinding light, a screeching sound and then there was complete silence , a lightness and total darkness.

 

.

answered Dec 22, 2011 by minime2767 (18 points)
edited Dec 22, 2011 by minime2767
Aww. I loved that. But there are tense problems, I mean... WON started the story of in present tense and you continued it in the past tense. No worries, just change WON's opening to the past and it will fit in. Other than that, good work!
                                                    ... (( Claps hands )) ...
Nice job. Welcome to ThinkWrite.
EDIT: I just noticed Cherry's comment. And, yes, you have mixed tenses quite a lot. Probably because you started with a flashback. No big deal; as Cherry said, it's quite an easy fix.
Thank you, Cherry! really appreciate your comments! Its true, I have mixed up my tenses. Its been a long time since I have written and I have gone a bit rusty!
Thanks Won!  I tried my hand at writing  short stories like I told Cherry! English is not my first language  and I have not been using it regularly expect when I read books. Will be starting work after Christmas . By the way Merry Christmas to both of you.
Thank you, you too. It might be hard to believe, but English is not my first language either.
0 votes

 

 

Rain pelted the roof of her van. The drops sounded like coins falling onto the metal roof, and she liked the noise. Hearing the rain fall so loudly made her feel like the world was smaller than she knew it was. A flash of lightning lit up the sky, giving her a sudden, eerily clear glimpse of the road in front of her. One one-thousand. Two one-thousand. Thunder rumbled, loud and long. The storm was close.

Mary turned off of the highway and down the dirt lane, gritting her teeth against the violent bumping and jostling. Lightning flashed. One one-thousand, she counted as she pulled into the rocky driveway. Thunder echoed through the night.

She turned the car off and sat there for a moment, listening. The rain washed down her windshield, distorting her view of the house. Mary grabbed her coat and pulled it over her head.

The wind met her fiercely outside, knocking her against the car. She slammed the door shut and pulled her jacket tighter as cold rain stung her face. She raced onto the rickety porch and banged her fist on the door.

The woman who answered seemed older and frailer than Mary remembered. “Hi, mom,” Mary said, hesitatingly. They went into the house together.

Mary sat uncomfortably on the floral-patterned couch as her mother made tea in the kitchen. A smiling picture of the three of them together—mom, dad, and little Mary—stared at her from across the room. The wind picked up again outside, howling through the dense trees that surrounded the house. Lightning and thunder struck simultaneously this time, shaking the old house. The storm had arrived.

Her mother came in and handed Mary a steaming mug. Mary took a sip, but it didn’t warm her.

“We missed you at the funeral,” her mother said.

“They never found his body,” Mary said suddenly, looking up. “He could still be out there. They don’t know—”

“We always knew his job had risks. You have to face it, Mary. Your father is dead.”

answered Jan 1 by peachykeen (50 points)
Wow, peachykeen, this is excellent. I like the flow of this quite a lot actually. It is sad without being outright sad, if you know what I'm trying to say.
It's over the 300 word limit but it is really good anyways.
OH! And welcome to ThinkWrite! :)