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Fill in the plot IV

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In stories there are three basic elements:
Plot: What is happening?
Setting: Where is it happening?
Characters: Who is it happening to?

Challenge: This time, I am going to give you a setting and one character and it's your job to fill in the plot. You can add anything you want, including more characters, but you have to use the information I've given.

Given elements: The setting is an abandoned military base. It's an array of concrete rooms and corridors, big metal doors, both fire and waterproof. The electricity is out. There is a low hum coming from an undetermined direction.

Your character is young, between 15 and 25, and isn't supposed to be there. That either means they are there against their will or that they broke in to explore. 

Word Limit: I'll stick with WoN's limit of 450 words. I know you'll need a bit more, but this will force you to edit your work.

Judgment Day: On November 1st, I'll pass the pen to one of you and that person will get to make the next challenge. Please allow for the possibility that I am a day late with my pick, both because it's a holiday and because I want everyone in all timezones to get the chance to respond.

Enjoy!

set Oct 16, 2011 by Spots (867 points)
November 1st is a holiday?
i am  not  happy ???//
@WoN: Yeah, it's the All Saints Day (or All Hallows Day), which is a holiday in many countries. Halloween is  short for All Hallows Eve, which is the day before, even though the two are unrelated.
@Funkyash: I've sent you a private message with more information about this website and what it's about.
ah I see! Yes, now that you mention that I did know it was a type of holiday, I just didn't know it was official or anything.
thanks

2 Responses

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Best response
The hum was all around now. It was getting stronger; he could feel the vibrations through the concrete floor. Adrenaline surged through his system. His mouth was dry and his stomach clenched. He'd known fear before, but never this. This was pure visceral terror. He knew that hum. He'd been living with it for almost a year now. They'd turned the engines back on. Too soon. He'd been certain they'd stay for at least a week. But they'd touched down here less than two days ago. He'd been told not to leave the ship, but... a military base! He'd just had to at least take a look.

He'd been 16 when he stowed away on the research vessel. It hadn't been pretty when they'd found him, but by then they were almost two light years out - no turning back. The final verdict: "Make yourself useful or starve." No room for freeloaders on a spaceship. Well, okay. He'd always had a way with machines, so he'd ended up working with the propulsion system. He knew those engines inside and out. They were his babies, and he knew what those babies were capable of. They had big teeth. If you got on the wrong side of them you didn't stand a chance... and he was on the wrong side of them right now. 

His breath came in quick gasps as he raced along the corridors, trying to recall which way he'd come, but in his blind panic he'd become disoriented. Turn after turn in the dark, with only a hand light to show the way. The hum got louder, raised in pitch. No! Not yet! Another corridor - he was running full tilt when he slammed into a steel door. Locked. He collapsed, exhausted, tears running down his face. The hum changed again, lowering in pitch, but getting louder. Much louder. The sound reverberated off the walls as he cowered in the cold, dark corridor. The primal scream that rose unbidden from his throat was lost in the ear splitting roar as the roof began to collapse.

**************

A cheer rose on the bridge as the ship lifted off. Word had just come through - "Enough data. Return home." No one needed a second invitation. A year was long enough to be away from family and friends. 

The Chief Engineer looked out the port at the molten crater the jets were leaving behind. He wondered where the kid was. It wasn't like him to miss a take-off. He was always right in the middle of things when "his babies" took a bite out of the surface. "Kids!" he thought, "He's probably found himself a better view from somewhere else."
answered Oct 20, 2011 by Kismet (197 points)
edited Oct 20, 2011 by Kismet
Man, why couldn't I have thought of that! ;)

Nice one Kismet! I like this a lot; I love when a story starts and you have to piece together what's happening as it progresses. Very cool.
I think this was your best story on ThinkWrite so far. A great idea and excellent writing. Bravo!
It was a really hard choice between the two stories. What tilted the scale in the end was that this one had en ending (Don't get me wrong, I love open endings, I just thought that in this particular case, this one seemed to be more thought through and I thought that deserved some points.)
Well done to both of you. Kismet, you get the torch.
Congrats, Kismet! Can't wait to see the next fill in the plot challenge!
1 vote

// OK, here's my response. I am not very good at writing in present tense, so let me know if there are errors or if it's hard to follow. Italics mean the character is thinking. It's supposed to be a little confusing, but please tell me if you're getting sick of that - I'm kind of getting used to writing that way. haha. ;) //

“Come on, Jer, let’s get the heck out of here.”

“No way Max, look around. This place is sick!” Jeremy says, waving his flashlight around the empty room. The thin beam of light coming down from the hole barely lights the floor. They climbed down a hole for at least 30 feet until they found the room. Now the roof of it is only a few feet above their heads.

“Jeremy, we had to dig down to the door, and then we had to enter a security code. I don’t think we’re supposed to be here.”

“A secret entrance should have been better hidden. And their code wasn’t hard to crack. Just trust me. Here, I found the light,” Jeremy hits the switch on one of the walls and smiles, “No power. It must go off if you don’t get the code first try. I wonder if anyone else is down here without the lights.”

Jeremy’s flashlight lands on a door. He examines the number pad beside it. It would make sense for the code to be the same, but what if inserting the wrong one makes the upper entrance close them in? That would be a disaster. Max is scared as it is, he’d kill Jeremy if they got locked in.

“How would the entrance have dirt on it if someone was down here? They wouldn’t have been able to bury it again once they’re in.” Max says, pointing up at the roof with his torch, “Wait, Jer, if there’s no power, what am I hearing?”

Jeremy stops looking at the door and flashes his light around the room again, “um… water. Yeah, there’s a stream nearby.”

“Water doesn’t sound like that.”

“Max, chill. We’ll be okay. As soon as I get the code for this door we can explore some more of the complex. We can figure out what it is and what it’s doing here and then we can leave and be the heroes who found a secret military base.”

“How do you know it’s military?”

Jeremy shrugs and looks at the door again. He scratches his head once and looks back at Max. Max is leaning against the wall with the ladder, looking up at the hole they had come through. He wants to leave, but that isn’t possible right now. Jeremy has to find what he came for. Suddenly, Max rolls his eyes and moves from the ladder to push on the door. It swings open. A vast corridor lies beyond the room. Jeremy just looks at him. Apparently Max knows more than he seems to.

 “I saw it work in a movie once. Now let’s get this done.”

answered Oct 20, 2011 by workingoutaname (538 points)
edited Oct 22, 2011 by workingoutaname
Oops, typo...in the second paragraph - "...until they found the rom" should be "room" at the end. Also, (although this may be just what I'm used to) I generally think of "entering" a code rather than inserting one. Inserting would be for something physical, like a key card, but "entering" if I was typing numbers on a keypad.

To me, the last line in that same paragraph sounded a bit awkward, possibly because of the repetition of "room" twice so close together. Or maybe it's something else... I'm not sure. I'd probably combine the last two sentences to make one more complex sentence. Something like "...until they found the room, the roof now only a few feet above their heads." Hmm... Or maybe "...the roof of which is now only a few feet..."

But having said all that, I quite liked this story. I like the characters. I find myself wondering what other trouble Jeremy has led Max into and does Jeremy always underestimate Max? Is Max the meek follower who will trail his buddy into anything, or is he more of a 'guardian' type who sticks with Jeremy mostly to try to stop him from getting himself hurt? And what's it going to take before Jeremy finally grows up? Who has to get hurt?

I know, all of that is beyond the scope of this challenge, I just wanted to let you know where your story had led my thoughts. :-)
Thanks, Kismet! I adjusted that paragraph a little, let me know if it works better now. I agree about entering a code vs inserting it, I don't know what I was thinking originally - lol. =P
Yes, I find myself wondering about those questions. It's funny how much I don't know about these characters considering I wrote them!
Considering the present tense writing:
In the second paragraph - you used past perfect ("had climbed"), when just "climbed" would have been enough.
In the fifth paragraph use "makes" instead of "made".

I also feel that in the second paragraph the first two sentences didn't connect. I think there are two versions that might have worked better. Either writing "Jeremy says, waving his..." or exchange the first two sentences, so that you start of with "Jeremy waves..." and then put the spoken text. Keep in mind that this is just a personal opinion and I could be totally wrong.

Now that that's out of the way, I can tell you what I thought of the story. I think it fits the challenge perfecty and that you did a great job of fitting it into the word count. It doesn't feel forced, it flows really well and, like always, it was a joy to read. If you do know how the rest would go, I'd love to see a sequel!
Thanks for your suggestions, Spots. I've tried to adjust it so it flows a little better.

Reading it back, I found the whole story awkward. I'm not a fan of writing in the present tense (which is probably why I had so many mistakes and needed adjustments) but I read somewhere that it makes stories more suspenseful. I'm not sure it worked out for me here. ;) Oh well - haha. I think I'll stick to good old past tense from now on! xP

I have a faint idea I'm rolling around in my head about where this could go. It's pretty complicated though and I haven't got it written out yet but if I ever do I'll be sure to let anyone who is interested know. =)
I never thought of it that way, that it would add suspense. My instinct tells me  that shorter less descriptive sentences would help there. As well as more insight into characters' thoughts and reactions.
It doesn't seem that the present tense added anything here, but it didn't subtract anything either. I think you did a good job regardless of the tense. I used to write in present, but switched to past because it seemed like I could do more with it. Kind of like it's easier to write in first person.
As for the sequel, you can post it here if you want.