Fill in the Plot III

Question

I added the number of the challenge to the title of the challenge now, like the ThinkWrite Challenge, so it is easier to keep track of what challenge it is.

In stories there are three basic elements:

Plot: What is happening?

Setting: Where is it happening?

Characters: Who is it happening to?

Challenge: The last two challenges have given settings; this time I am giving you a couple of characters.

• Build a story based on my character descriptions. You create the setting and the plot, but remember to stay in character.
• Your plot can be anything, as long as it involves these characters reacting to the situation in the way that you feel he or she would based on my descriptions.
• The story can be set anywhere. It does not have to be set at a place I have mentioned in my description of the character.
• I'm not going to describe the characters' looks or give them a name, you may choose to reveal that information in your story, but it doesn't really matter. What I'm going to provide is the individual things that make up our identities (e.g. age, gender, likes, dislikes, special skills, personality traits, quirks, etc.).
• Write a story, no poems please!

Characters:

Character 1: a 30 year old father. He is very skilled at music, especially playing the guitar. For a living he works freelance building specialty robots (e.g. a robot for serving food, a robot for running messages back and forth between people, etc.) for large companies. He has a quick temper, and although it is a challenge, he tries very hard to control it around his son. His wife left him and his son alone; she ran off a year ago.

Character 2: character 1's son. He is turning 10 in a month and views this as a very important milestone. At school he is usually average, but he is at the top of his class in mathematics. He takes piano lessons and is prone to depression.

One more thing: Please do not write a cute and happy family piece. =P Try to give me some action! Be creative!

Word Limit: Minimum = none. Maximum = 450 words.

Judgment Day: I will judge in two weeks, on October 14. If no one or only one person has responded by that day, I will lengthen the deadline. Whoever wins will be able to do their own “fill in the plot” challenge. =D

Questions, Concerns or Thoughts?: Comment or send me a personal message.

Comments

huh what dya mean?

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WON who wins??

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Cherry, I'm in Western Canada so I literally just woke up ten minutes ago! lol! I'll read both responses over right now. I'll choose ASAP. And thanks Kismet for getting something in on time!! ;)

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Congrats Spots!

It was a _really_ tough decision for this one. I love Kismet's and Spots' responses both, but Spots fulfilled one more criterion (action) than Kismet; I had to go by the rules on this one. Great job both of you!
EDIT: spelling fix

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Okay and congrats SPOTS!

Answer 1

Did you say elephant?

 

Jimmy couldn't remember the last time he went away with his father. Ever since his mother left them, he saw his father trying to compensate for her absence, but in all the wrong ways. He was buying gifts, paying for a maid to cook and clean and trying to smile all the time, even when he wasn't happy. And Jimmy could tell. The fake smiles only made him more sad. All he really wanted from his father was his time and attention. And a real smile from a father that was proud of his son.

Jimmy tried really hard to make his father happy. He did well in school, ecpecially in math, but his father didn't seem to notice, or he just didn't care. He took his piano lessons seriously and every time he learned something new, he played it for his father and in return got one of those fake smiles, after which he was left alone while his father discussed work on the phone. He was careful not to yell in front of Jimmy, but sometimes he forgot himself on the phone, and at those times he sounded really scary. But, Jimmy wasn't afraid of his dad. He was proud of his dad, the way he was his own boss, the way he didn't let anyone step on him, even the way he played his guitar before going to bed.

That's why it was a real surprise to Jimmy when his father came at his bedside one evening and said "I'm taking you on a safari for your tenth birthday." At first, Jimmy thought he dreamed it, but today he sat on the back of an elephant in Rwanda, while antelopes and giraffes walked by. It was the best time of his life!

The tour was almost over when suddenly his father's elephant started shaking and thrashing and pushed the guide, Habimana, down and stepped on him. Jimmy screamed as his father slipped to the ground and tried to pull Habimana to safety. In the process, the elephant kicked his father with his trunk. Jimmy never knew that an elephant's trunk was that strong. His father struggled to his feet and, holding his stomach with a painful grimace, went right back to the guide. He managed to pull him aside.

The injuries were severe and there was a lot of blood and, as soon as he was able to get off the elphant, Jimmy went to help. He helped with the bandages and stood watch, while his father called the doctors. He helped save Habimana's life.

On the flight back, his fahter turned to him, smiled, and said "Son, I am proud of you."

Comments

There we go, 450 words exactly, including title. It was one hell of an edit to get the word count down, but I think I was successful. And I got most of the details in, plus the action. Hope you like it.

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Nice =)

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Very good Spots! I like the action you added, with the elephant and Habimana. If that scene was lengthened it would be better, in my opinion. However, I do realize that you were held back by my own word limit so I'll forgive you there! haha - ;)

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Thanks. It was a very short word count for such complicated characters. I only gave the guide a name because then I could use one word instead of two when I talk about him, so you know what sort of trouble I was in. xD

Answer 2

It's my birthday today. I'm ten. I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one who remembers that, though. I'll bet you have a mom. I don't. She left us a long time ago. Now it's just me and my dad. Most of the time it feels like just me. I'll bet your mom remembers your birthday. Mine doesn't. Neither does my dad. He's too busy with his music and his robots. Ya. That's right, I said robots - but it's not so cool as you might think. Sure, he makes cool things and all the kids at school think he's like... Einstein or something... but when he tries to talk to me about it I just don't get it. I'm just stupid, I guess. Maybe that's why dad spends more time with his computer than with me. 

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Today's my son's birthday. He's ten! Double digits! He's an amazing kid! You'd love him! When I was his age, I always struggled with math. It took long hard hours of study before I could grasp just what it was I was supposed to be learning. Computers, OK. Formal logic, fine. But the more esoteric stuff... I never could wrap my mind around it. Still can't. But not him. The kid's brilliant! It's like he was born knowing this stuff. And piano! He's the musician I always wanted to be. Sure I'm good with a guitar... but who isn't? I tell you, he's amazing! You should be so lucky as to have a kid like this! 

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I don't know if I can do this. It's my son's tenth birthday today. I know, for most mom's that's nothing extraordinary, but for me it's the biggest, most difficult day I've had in a very long time. Kids love their moms, right? It's stupid, I know, but I'm so afraid my son will just hate me. You see, I've been gone for a little over a year now. There are some things that it's just not OK to make a kid watch... and withdrawal from addiction is one of those things. I had to go. Nothing good could have come of my staying, but now I'm clean and sober and I so very much want to be back in their lives. And if I'm right, they both need me to be there. My son's father is a brilliant man, but like many brilliant people, he has an unfortunate tendency to get wrapped up in whatever he's doing and forget about the real world. And my son... he's inherited his father's brilliance, but also my tendency towards depression. I'm worried that he won't understand how much his father really loves him. 

So, just ring the doorbell... right...?

Comments

Sorry, I moved the timeline forward by a month. I hope that's OK. The story just worked so much better if TODAY was his birthday rather than a month from now.

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YES! OK, Kismet you get points for me literally CHEERING at my computer screen when I read the last part! =p
This is brilliant. I loved it. It was funny, endearing, and had a happy ending! Nice. It was also right on the word count (my MS Word said 452, but I think it counted the two groups of *'s as words). And no problem changing the dates around, I really shouldn't have given that detail as it is a part of setting and not character anyway.
It didn't have the 'action' I was looking for but this story really touched me. Geez I could rant for hours about this... ;)

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Oh my, that was so beautiful. And it felt so real.
WoN, go on and change your pick. You're supposed to go with your gut anyway.

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No no, it's been decided! Both these stories were wonderful! =D You both deserved to win.

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!!!!!!!:

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Hey, thanks WoN and Spots! I'm glad you both liked it. :-) I had started to wonder if I would come up with anything at all for this challenge, then this one came to me at the last moment. It was one of those rare occasions when a story just suddenly pops out of what seems like nowhere almost fully formed. I knew it didn't quite meet all of the criteria, but it wanted to be written, so I posted it anyway. And WoN, although I'm touched by Spots' suggestion (thanks for the thought, Spots!), I'm glad you didn't change your mind. I wouldn't have wanted that. The fact that you both liked the story is enough. :-)

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what kismet