ThinkWrite Challenge LXXIV

Question

First of all, thanks Spots for handing me the torch! This is my first time doing the official ThinkWrite challenge - I hope it’s good!

Write a story (no poems here!) using all ten words from the following list. You may use any form of the word, i.e. plurals or past/future tense, and you can use the words in any order.

Word List:

stagger

time

humour

victim

frail

obsolete

elevate

survive

unique

blood

Word Count: 213 - 293 words.

I’ll judge this in 2 weeks, on July 27. Have fun everybody! =)

Comments

Nice challenge there!
I have a question.
Do you have to use all of the ten words or is it like specific numbers at least ?
Sorry if you didn't get me!

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All ten. =)

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ok, thanks!

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Hey guys! I can't believe I got so many responses here! It was so hard to choose a winner! Every one did a really good job, and I appreciate all of you who I had change words here and there cooperating with my wishes. =)
--WON

Answer 1

As the gunshot victim staggers toward the elevator, his blood drips on the freshly-waxed floor. His heart rate elevates as each agonizing second passes. 

He cracks a sarcastic grin, a brief moment of humour, when he sees that the elevator is still thirty floors away from his location and, if he is to survive, time is of the essence.

As the elevator nears, the man’s back begins to bow, like that of a frail patient at a nursing home. He collapses and his momentum rolls him over to his back. He looks up at the light above him and thinks back to the last time he saw lights like those. It was the early eighties when he saw them last…in a church he attended with his grandmother. They were unique at the time, but they seemed to be even more unique now because he had assumed they were obsolete.

It is very ironic that, as he gasps for air, he reflects back to his days in church with his grandmother. It’s ironic because she was the very person who had warned him his life would end this way if he didn’t change his ways.

Suddenly, frustration replaces the thoughts of his grandmother as the director walks over and says, “George, I know you’ve already died eight times today, but you’re going to have to do it again. I just reviewed the scene and your pants were unzipped.” 

Comments

Wow, this is great! Really funny twist at the end; I loved it!

EDIT: This is perfect now! Thanks for the quick fix. =)

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Oh, wow! I love this! Love it! Wonderful ending!

The only thing I would suggest is don't bold the list words - it breaks up the flow. In my opinion, the more seamlessly the words fit into the story (the more the torch bearer has to search to make sure you got them all), the better. Your story fits the words so perfectly that bolding them to bring attention to them really disrupts the story itself.

And it's a shame to disrupt such and AWESOME story.

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Thanks for the advice and compliment, Midnightpoet. This is the first time I have responded to a challenge that asks to use a certain set of words. I will not bold those in the future.

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Congratulations 7dutch7! You're the new torchbearer! I loved the humor in this story, and the ending was really well written. Nice job!

So, since you're semi-new, I'll explain that this means you can come up with the next "ThinkWrite Challenge". Look at the previous ones for ideas. There's a link on every page to them now in the top right hand corner (in the box).

Congrats again, and I look forward to seeing your challenge!

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Well done, 7dutch7 !
I also loved ur story!
Keep up the good work!
AND best wishes from me!
Keep rocking! x

Answer 2

For the first time I realized how much I missed everyone. I actually got depressed for all of five minutes, then I realized one of the most comforting facts I've ever known.

We staggered around last season looking for unique ways to express ourselves, but we survived didn’t we? Guess what? We aren’t yet obsolete, we've been renewed! Casting calls have gone out, and filming begins in almost no time at all. This sequel has been turned up to eleven. We now know how it all works; we are very comfortable in our roles. We've grown into our characters, and no one's going for an Oscar. This time it’s not about getting noticed. This time it’s about life, this time it’s about us!

We are no longer frail; It’s time we elevate to the level our audience expects. Humor will not be a victim in a quest for self-fulfillment, because you see we have nothing left to prove.

When we look back we will remember the day we met, but the homecoming will always be better. In a trilogy number two is always the best. When the introductions end in a book or TV show the action finally starts.

Our high point is coming my friends, and its all rising action until then, so buckle up. I can't say it wont be a bumpy ride, can’t promise you there wont be blood, but I can tell you that if it wasn’t I would be very disappointed.

Comments

I really enjoyed reading this. There are some parts where the wording is awkward or the punctuation is off. That makes it difficult to follow, but the overall story is really good. Well done! =)

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This is wonderful! I feel the energy in the story!

However, it needs to be edited for punctuation errors.

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Edited it but grammer is not my strong point. Any specific errors that are bothering anyone?

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Just a couple places I've noticed still need fixing. Second paragraph, close to the bottom: "no ones going for an Oscar" needs an apostrophe in one's. Third paragraph, first sentence - between frail and It's you need either a period or a semi-colon. A couple other places I would put commas, but that's all preference.

Answer 3

Today began pretty much like any other day, nothing extraordinary or noteworthy; t’was a typical afternoon & normal day for errands in the city. Unknowingly today would turn out to be any thing but typical or ordinary? It started with a flat, steering and careening to get the car as far off the roadway as possible; the car and the flat tire ended up in an alley. The alley was dark and dank- overshadowed by the tall buildings and under shadowed by life of the alleyway. It seemed the flat was to take a back seat to what I currently observed in this alley.

 

My distinctly unique survival mode had gone in to overdrive this afternoon. After staggering upon an elevated object, I quickly deduced it was time to get out of there before I became an obsolete victim myself.

 

I felt panic and my heart was pounding in my ears, my blood pressure surely was elevated beyond good health. I suddenly was paralyzed, feeling frail as if I would faint. Who ever or whatever was responsible for the scene before me had a twisted sense of humor. I wanted no part of this...blood scene. Time was surely on my side as I gathered my composure and felt relief when my ears stopped pounding and my heart quieted down.

 

I was able to move now, ever so slowly and back away from this horror. My steps gathered momentum & soon they were moving forward at a rapid pace. I looked over my shoulder, to the left, to the right and kept moving. I went around the corner to phone the automobile club for my flat, since that’s what landed me here in this alleyway, first; then called the police about the elevated object.

Comments

It took longer to edit down to 293 words than to write the story using all of the words listed LOL
Thanks, this was fun for a Sat afternoon- my Sat afternoon- not the one I wrote about HA ;p)

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Hey hummingbird. Thanks for your response! I was mesmerized by this. I love the creepy aspect to it, and how you never reveal what the person saw in the alleyway, except to say that it was an 'elevated object'. Very cool. ;)
One thing, I don't think you used the word _unique_ in there. Correct me if I'm wrong, and if not, just edit this response and add it somewhere (if you're worried about word count, change "what ever" to be "whatever" in the third paragraph - then it will only count as one word).

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Thanks and Oops- I think unique was one word I edited out for meeting the work count maximum LOL- will add it back in and combo the other, as suggested, too. Before edit on the count I had almost 400 words, so took a lot out YIKES.

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Nice Hummingbird!

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Ah - editing - one of the reasons the concept of think write was created. It's not easy, is it? Many of the main think write challenges require an exact word count rather than a range, so that is really an exercise in editing. I think you did well editing this down from 400, and I like the story (dark and twisted is right up my alley, no pun intended), but I do have a few critiques.

First, there are some problems with grammar and punctuation, and I think it needs to be proofread a bit more thoroughly (yay! more editing!). Second, I think it gets repetitive in a couple places where you use the same word multiple times very close together. Finally, there are points where it feels like the words don't belong in the story and are put in just for the challenge. One of the big challenges of the think write challenge (now I'm repetitive!) is making the words fit as though there isn't a list - but that is so much easier said than done, and is rarely accomplished.

Please don't take offense to my critiques - I wouldn't take the time to type this all up if I didn't like the story. I really, really like the story. The concept is great, the flow is excellent, and the mood in the story is very well done.

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No offense taken, thank you for your critque ;p) This is the 1st time I have done something like this and it was a lot of fun, too. I do not know what was wrong with the proof or puncuation- when it was spell checked and grammer checked MS Word said it was done with no editing- humm will try to rely more on myself next time instead of MS Word LOL.
Thanks again!

Answer 4

The Supper

The landlord had already called time and the last of the regulars at the inn had already started their unsteady way home. Tomorrow they would be frail, but tonight as they staggered happily on their way they were in good humour. It was the same every Saturday night in the little village, even more so when the cricket team had won.

The team had survived, more or less, for over 300 years now and although there were no records as such, had no doubt celebrated in the inn throughout the centuries. The inn, overlooking the cricket pitch, was itself even older. The front elevation was clearly Tudor, though the rear had been added to and rebuilt numerous times. Obsolete kitchens had been renewed as the open fires had been replaced by iron stoves and now the stainless steel demanded by modern health and safety inspectors; ugly but safe. They were a victim of fashion and while being modern, they lacked the charm of their older predecessors.

So when the cricket team (still in their whites) demanded their supper, the landlord would get out the old cast iron skillet and placed it on the open fire that remained in the public bar. The local butcher still made traditional black pudding, with fresh blood, oatmeal and fat, but much of the flavour came from being cooked over an open fire of apple logs. Served with good beer and potatoes cooked in their skins in the ashes, this was a unique survival of bygone days. And as they ate and drank, telling and retelling the stories of the day’s game, you could feel the contented ghosts of days gone by joining in the happy celebrations. 

Comments

Nice job, Saxon. I enjoyed this a lot too! It flowed really well, and I liked the reminiscent tone.

Looks like I'm going to have my work cut out for me choosing a best response at the end of this!

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I like this. I think in the second paragraph you meant "rebuilt" rather than "rebuild". This is another fine example of your talent for imagery.

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Thanks Midnight and I have now corrected the typo!

Answer 5

 TIME TO GO?

The Old sergeant was in a foul humor.  He was sitting in his make shift office, his usual cigar hanging out of his mouth and a Jack sitting on his desk, and he was feeling old. 

 He was looking through an old album of friends he had the privilege to know over the years.  Many of them had fallen victim to road side bombs or other ravages unique to war. 

Taking another drink of Jack he wondered to himself if he had become too old, frail and obsolete—could he still lead a platoon of young men? 

Maybe it WAS time to retire.

He no more than sat his glass down when an explosion ripped through the FOB.  He staggered out of his office and started giving commands.  “1^st and 2^nd squads take the north and west!  Lay down suppression fire! 

He started to lead the 3^rd squad into the fight when he saw a man was down.  He stopped long enough to tie a tourniquet on the kid’s leg and elevate it above his heart.  The blood ceased to flow.  He would survive.

He immediately continued to the wire and they fought non stop for over an hour.  When it was all over one of the young soldiers came up:  “Sergeant how could anyone ever keep up with you?” 

The old sergeant smiled to himself.  Maybe he would stick around for a while. 

Comments

Very nice. I really like the flow of this one, Steve. Thanks for your response and welcome to ThinkWrite!! =)

You are missing the word "survive" however. Just add that in somewhere please. Otherwise, this is right on. Awesome job!

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Oppps

Thank you

Smile

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No problem. =)

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Nice one, Steve!

Answer 6

 

I awoke to a loud thump, some shuffling sounds, and a small whimper. Opening my bleary eyes, I could barely read the blurry time on the lighted clock. Three in the morning. What the hell?

The sounds continued as my vision cleared, and I saw Helen stagger into the room. She was probably drunk again. Typical.

“Helen,” I croaked in a sleepy voice, “your room is across…” I trailed off as I realized she wasn’t staggering from drunkenness.

She fell to her knees, clutching her hands in her lap and looking frail. She looked at me with large, pleading blue eyes shining out of a pale, tear-streaked face. Blood saturated her jeans and pooled on the carpet around her knees.

My state of consciousness elevated and as I quickly rolled out of bed my mind raced, wondering what had happened even as I took action. Had she been out drinking and fallen victim to a rape or mugging or worse? She always told me I was “obsolete” because I didn’t go out drinking like others my age, but it was because I knew the dangers. This proved the dangers.

I got on my knees in front of her, mind still racing, separate from what my body was doing. Would she survive? She couldn’t die! Despite our differences, Helen was a unique bright spot in my life and I needed her.

She looked like she was fading. My voice sounded far away as I asked what happened. My heartbeat pounded in my ears and her response sounded like it was under water.

“I finally got something right.” She laughed without humor as she turned her hands over to reveal a gash on each arm running from her wrist to her elbow.

Comments

Man, Jesi. You are on a roll! haha. Seriously though, I absolutely love your writing style and the subjects you write about.
Awesome!

Answer 7

It seems to me that everyone thinks they’re a victim. Some of them just play the victim. Some really are victims. Victims of crime, victims of circumstance, victims of themselves and victims of society.

I refuse to be a victim.

Once upon a time, I was frail. I don’t remember that girl anymore. I broke away from the weakness and elevated myself above the poor-pitiful-me attitudes that everyone I know seems to posses. I found my strength. I can survive.

Do unto others before they do unto me, that’s my motto. The other version of that phrase is obsolete. I know I’m not unique in this line of thinking, but the difference between me and everyone else is that I don’t just think about it – I put those thoughts into action.

I remember when I realized that I could stop being the victim; I remember the day I realized that I could victimize.

The guy thought he was funny. I wasn’t buying into his misogynistic sense of humor.

I remember the smell, the feel, the taste of his blood. I remember the way he staggered as he bled out, trying to scream but only gasping. For some reason, I can’t remember where I disposed of the body – there are too many burial sites now for me to keep track of.

Comments

Very cool, Jesi. I love your style of writing and I figured you'd have fun with the word list (considering it had "blood" in it, haha!). Anyway, this is very good. It flows really well and it ends perfectly, talking about all the burial sites. Love it! =)
I'm just having trouble with one thing, and that's the word "survivor". I don't know if it's the same as "survive". If you can change it that's great, but I really like the story as is and don't want you to change a lot just to accommodate one word!

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I changed it without having to change anything else - hope it still works :-)

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It does! =D

Answer 8

IT'S ABOUT BUSINESS BUT IT STILL MAKES ME ANGRY

I am steaming and out for blood.

I work hard. I work smart. And, most importantly I work for my clients.

I don’t intend for some humorless bean counters to control my life. 

If I leave this company, I will not go quietly, nor will I walk away from what I have been building over the past few years!

I will not let anyone in this company turn me into a victim.

Less than a year ago our CEO took the time to introduce me at our stockholders meeting as his most unique asset, his secret weapon, and his head go-getter. I was the one who elevated our operations past the competition. Now, in only 8 short months, I have heard that “they” have decided I am obsolete.

Not possible!  If I am now outdated, so is our company. 

So, let’s make this a bloodletting face-off if that’s what management wants.

I won’t back down. 

Some of our management perceive me as a frail little thing. They have obviously never seen the way I work with both clients and staff.  Those who know me see the strength and concern that is in all my work. And, no, I'll never merely survive this situation. I'll win!

I care and I refuse to be afraid of the future.

I like my clients and I like my money – and I have earned it! 

We’ll see who staggers out of the melee as the winner.  I know in the end it's about revenue.  I also know I'm the one with the clients. I won't be the loser here or wherever I go.  And, as I always say, my clients will always be the winners!  That's the way I planned it.

Comments

Nice job here. What an interesting subject idea! You took a normal thing (getting fired) and made it interesting to read about. Really well done! I have, however, a couple critiques:
In the last paragraph, I saw that you wrote "th" instead of "the". I also noticed you're missing the word "survive".
Thanks for the response, DayDreamer, and welcome to ThinkWrite!

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Thanks for your note. Yep, you were right I missed survive and have just added it.  Other than that I have no idea why my spell check missed "th."  Guess it can be as clueless as it's owner sometimes.

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Thanks DayDreamer, for the quick fix there. But I still can't find "survive". I found "survivor", but as I already mentioned to someone else, that isn't really the same word. Sorry to be so precise, but I just want to be fair to everyone, and since I told someone else it doesn't count, I have to tell you the same! You've got some room with the word count so just change the sentence a bit with "survivor" in it. Rephrase so you can use "survive", "survived", or "survives".
Thanks, DayDreamer! And again, really good job on this piece.

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What I loved about this is that you used all the words in a metaphorical way, making something that was essentially a crime list into a more mundane story. Not that I'd go as far to call it a "normal" thing ;)
Great imagination there. And welcome to ThinkWrite!

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Perhaps your instructions should be more explicit - since survivor is the noun that is derived from the verb survive, therefore I consider it a version of the word.  And, since I didn't know that I should be reading comments about other responses, I missed your other comment on survivor.
That said, I did change the wording to make it comply with your challenge.

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Sorry, I tried to make my instructions as specific as I could. I said "plurals or past/future tense" were the variations or "forms" of the words that I would allow. Thanks for changing it anyway, even if you didn't agree. =)

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I agree entirely with Spot's comment - your take on this word list shows wonderful imagination!

Answer 9

Somewhere, winding its way through a dark, tired forest was a lonely old path.  Deep within the sacred silence walked a horse, moving so very slowly…

Atop this drooping horse was a bent old man, but whether the man was riding or the creature was carrying was impossible to tell.  He was a frail creature, thin and decrepit beneath his faded cloak.  He rode in a strange fashion, swaying from side to side, shuddering and moaning whenever the horse stumbled.

In the midst of such shadow there was suddenly a patch of sunlight.  The horse staggered mightily as his hooves touched this ground and he fell to his knees.  The old man somehow managed to stay on, but with a final convulsion, he fell still over his mount’s neck.  The creature felt the life that slipped away, heard the whispers of the spirits as they claimed their victim.  Slowly, the horse moved forward again.  Only a few more steps brought them out of the forest and onto an elevated plain.

The black horse felt, as with a new conscience, the old man’s blood spilling over his shoulders and down his legs, felt the weight on his back grow heavier, yet much easier to carry.  Something had actually gone right in this world of death, he thought.  The past was no more, time was completely obsolete.  He had carried the old man through the forest of death and survived its despair.  He had done his duty.

 

Life surged once more through the man and he reached out with a strong hand to pat his horse’s neck, laughing joyously at the unique humor of the youth he felt once again.

Together, the renewed prince and his steed galloped through the field.  They were almost home.

Comments

Please tell me, in all honesty, what you think of this.  It mostly wrote itself and I just finished editing it down from 400 words to this.  Does it need more...?  I do have more if you think its needed...

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I think this is really well done, ladyhwin! It was very... relaxing to read. I did have some trouble understanding the end of it. Does he live after all? The last two paragraphs confused me a little.
You're missing some words too; "stagger" and "time". You're right on the outer edge of the word count so it may take some major editing to add those words and keep the count right. If you'd like, you can just leave this as is (or even add the part you edited out to fit the word count) and, although it won't be considered to win, you can still get some feedback on this.

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"whether the man was riding or the creature was carrying was impossible to tell." I love that line. It's a very touching story. Seamless blending of the words. Very nice.
The way I understood the ending, they both died. The horse had carried the man throughout his life and now they are in heaven together.
I don't think it needs any more. Even if the ending isn't clear, maybe it's better to leave it for everyone to interpret in their own way.

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Okay, WON, I fixed it!  "stagger" and "time" have been edited in and I'm still on the 293 word count!  hehe!  :D  Hopefully this is now eligible...

Spots - thank you!  I think you just got it better than anyone else has!  :)  I'm so happy!!

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Definitely eligible, lady! This is really really well written, and now that Spots has explained, I totally understand the ending! haha, it is quite clear now that I reread it again with that thought in mind. Nice job keeping it in the word count, too! ;)

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For some reason, the whole thing had me confused. It was nice to read, but it was like I had no idea what I was reading. Then I read the comments, then the story again...and I don't know why I was so confused on the first read. This is great!

Answer 10

 

 

Accident

A staggering amount of time had passed before the humour of the situation hit me. I was a victim of a prank gone worng. They didn't count on my frail mind when they brought me to the middle-of-nowhere gas station.

The building was now obsolete, since nobody drove there nowadays. Planes were much more convenient than driving through a desert.

I should really elaborate what happened to me. I was at a party and got quite drunk. I must have passed out, because I don't remember anything else until I woke up here. Alone. My elevated heart rate preceded my conscious mind telling me I should be alarmed. Where was I? How did I get here? Am I going to survive?!

They were going to leave me here for a day, I know that now, and then come back for me when I was starting to lose my mind. Only thing was – my mind left a bit sooner than planned. After a few hours, I started hallucinating. One thing led to another and somehow I had fatally injured myself in a very unique way. I'd tell you more about it, but it's too graphic to share. Trust me, you're better off not knowing.

Anyway, my "friends" came back for me, hoping they would find me crying. Instead, all they found was blood and my dead body. Turns out, they were the ones that cried.

Me, I'm left here as a ghost, at a gas station, in the middle of nowhere, alone. Now, isn't that funny?

Comments

For some reason, when I saw you write "use the words in any order", I thought, "Hey, I'm gonna use them in exactly that order." This is where they led me.

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Nice job with putting the words in exact order, Spots! Bonus points!!! haha.
This is really good. It's really an interesting idea. I like how we are kept in the dark about the injury. It does leave me wanting more of the story, but in a good way if you know what I mean.

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Hm - a unique injury that is too graphic to share...I like the sound of that!!

This is wonderful, Spots!

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Thanks. I thought you might enjoy that. ;)
To be honest, it was me trying to avoid thinking of  what a unique injury would be, but I guess it did the trick.

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I just realized that used the adjective staggering instead of the verb stagger. And since it was one of the starting points of my story, I feel like leaving it as it is. Just count me out of the "contest".