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Best short story

0 votes

For my challenge, you must write a 3 or more paragraphed story. It can be as long as you want or as short as you want, as long as it has the word invention.

Good luck,

Formacal

set Jul 9, 2011 by Formacal (19 points)
Just do a story and I'll judge the best one
Hi, Formacal. Welcome to ThinkWrite!

Please take the time to read this http://www.thinkwrites.com//3296/guidelines-and-help, it will help you get the hang of this website.  :-)
Hi Formacal, I am very happy to have a new member on ThinkWrite, welcome and have fun!
And remember! The aim of this website is to help each other out in stories, poems, etc and also point out mistakes !!!
BTW, I do not really understand the challenge, because I don't think you made it clear enough.
On one hand you are saying it can be long, and on the other hand short and then you said just do a story... so I didn't really get the theme, can it just be any story, on any subject, either long OR short ???
Because I really want to enter this!

3 Responses

0 votes
The minute I woke up on my sixteenth birthday, my family just burst into my room, with a cake and took such a gross picture of me. I was so annoyed; I kicked them out of the room.

Then, I took out my wish list and put on my last wish.... to get my crush to like me.

Then my birthday was ruined, because my house was infested by wasps. Wasps, which are the last thing I wanted my birthday to, get ruined by.

The only thing that was saved was my wish list.

I was still in my pyjamas, but I couldn't go in the house for at least a year. My sweet sixteen party's money was also in there. My birthday was ruined.

I met my best friend, Jay at the bus stop where he gave me a gift, the only good thing that happened to me. It was a very special and precious gift.

Suddenly, a random lady appeared and gave me a matchbox and special birthday candles. I took out candle no.1 and blew it.

Suddenly, my favourite actor came out of his special bus and gave me a kiss on the cheek! That was wish number one! That meant the candles match with my wish list.

I then got everything I wanted, by using my wish list.

Then i came to my wish no. 9.
I took out candle no. 9 and blew. I want everyone to treat me like an adult.

Oops!

That is all for part one! Btw, the girl is telling a story about what happened on her sixteenth birthday. I stopped there because I want you all to wonder why the girl says 'oops!' what happens next. Stay tuned to find that out! I have it all planned in my mind!

NOTE*
This story is taken from the movie "16 Wishes"
REMEMBER! This is just part 1. Although part 1 is just the same as the movie, part 2 will be completely different. So stay tuned for part 2, a TWIST (different from the movie).
answered Jul 16, 2011 by CherryBabe (280 points)
edited Oct 27, 2011 by CherryBabe
Nobody commented or voted on mine? But they commented and voted on others??
:S :(
I can't wait to see the twist you added! Bring on part 2! =D
Don't worry, I will soon!
5 votes

 

My Daddy

 

The little girl was often on the receiving end of jokes from her classmates, for among other things, she was very poor.  In addition no one had seen her father in a long time and many blamed him for the dismal conditions the little girl lived in.

 

Their “home” was a small dingy travel trailer, (not a good invention in the first place), parked on a rented lot near the outskirts of town, after having lost their real home when her father disappeared. 

 

Her mother worked as a waitress during the day and by the time she got home she was often too tired to move, her feet swollen.  But she always made sure the little girl had food on the table and a place to study.  Every Sunday she made sure her daughter was dressed in what passed for her “Sunday best” so she could catch the van to Church. 

 

Even at Church she was not so much taunted as shunned.  She sat by herself with a worn Bible in her lap that her father had given her so long ago and stared at the floor.  But she loved to sing, her favorite song was “Jesus Loves Me.” 

 

A special day for her arrived because she had been making plans for “father’s day” at school for a long time.  Her mother had tried to get her to skip a day but the little girl would have none of it.  “I’m still proud of my daddy even though he left me,” she said.

 

She sat and listened to the other children and as they introduced their fathers a small tear formed in her eye.  But she was determined not to show how much she hurt.  And she had spent a long time hiding how she really felt about anything.

 

When her time came she slowly shuffled up to the little lectern and gently placed a well worn letter atop it.

 

From the back of the room she heard someone ask where her daddy was, while another said she probably didn’t have one.  She heard a grown up mutter, “dead beat dad.”

 

Her eyes well up with tears and she could barely see the letter in front of her.  She simply froze.

 

She heard the door open and when she looked up she saw a stranger, but he was dressed like her daddy.  And this man was huge with so many sparkles on his chest it almost blinded her.

 

He slowly walked over and stood next to her and then in a voice that sounded like cement in a mixer he started to speak:

 

“I stand with this lovely little girl today as her surrogate father.  Her bravery, in the presence of such adversity would have made her dad very proud.  And I’m afraid he would also have been very angry with you all.”

 

“Let me tell you a story about this girl’s father:  I don’t know what you have been told or what you have “surmised” in your little minds, but her daddy was a Soldier and a very good one.  He was also a good father.”

 

“He was one of my squad leaders and he, uh, went to Heaven protecting his men.  For this he received the Silver Star and rests now at a place called Arlington.”

 

“And he loved his little girl more than life itself.”

 

The old sergeant picked up the letter from the lectern. 

 

Sweetheart:  You know that daddy misses you with all his might.  I pray for you too every night!  And like you and I spoke of before I left, we are never really alone for we carry each other in our hearts.  And God watches over us all as He wills.  Be happy precious cause I will be home soon.”  He lay the letter back down.

 

“He wrote this the night before he went to be with Jesus.”

 

Pappy looked down at the little girl and anger swelled up inside of him.

 

“This little girl’s father gave his last full measure to this country so that you could go to school, work and have happy families.  But I come here and see where his family lives now and I have heard the stories.  Instead of lending a hand you make snide remarks and feel superior.  You make me ashamed.” 

 

Pappy reached down and picked up the little girl in his massive arms and she clung to him, her hands going around his neck.

 

“This precious little girl, this—beautiful little spirit, is dressed in rags because of a foul up with the government over insurance paper work—and because of your neglect.  You can rest assured she will no longer be poor.”

 

As he carried the little girl to the door he stopped and looked back at them all:

 

 “She won’t be poor, if she ever was, but I’m very much afraid that you always will be.”

 

The door slammed shut behind him.

 

S J Newton

The Old Sergeant is fictional

This story was inspired by an internet piece called “Daddy’s Poem.” Author unknown.

 

And the morale of the story is:  Be there for our hero’s     AND their families

 

stevenewton69@hotmail.com

 

 

 

 

 

answered Jul 21, 2011 by Steve (25 points)
Humm.  After posting this story I am unsure If I should have.  It may be a little too intense.  Mods feel free to delete it you wish.   Steve
No, Steve. The story IS quite good in my opinion.
Well done!
I think this is lovely and sad, well written and places you right there- very nice!
It's a very touching story and very well written.
Welcome to ThinkWrite and don't worry about your story, it's not going anywhere. :)
Awww.

Thanks everyone.

I will pass it along to Pappy.  

(The Old Sergeant)

Smile
0 votes
Clunk. Clunk. Clunk. This was all I could hear. Clunk. Clunk. Clunk. It was coming from the basement. I crept out of bed, opened the door and tiptoed down the stairs. when I opened the door to the basement I was just quick enough to see a blur of green.

the next morning I was thinking about what I had seen.

    "Did you hear that clunking noise last night?" I asked my dad.

   " What clunking noise?" he replied. Confused, I left the kitchen. I was going to catch the thing I saw last night. I was going to catch it with one of my crazy inventions. The very next day I had almost finished my invention I'd been working all night with the same clunk noise coming from the basement. The invention was only an infa red camra but it was better than nothing I supose.

At early evening, I set it up in the basement, but when I went to see the images, they were scrambled. That was wierd, I thought, so I went over to the camera and guess what? One of the wires was chewed.Right I thought, this time I'm going to catch it red handed.

so I waited in the basement then all of a sudden a green fluff ball appered over the days I fed him and then eventualy he became my pet.
answered Aug 31, 2011 by alexyboy (17 points)
Hi, alexyboy, and welcome to ThinkWrite. :)
I like the idea of your story and I think you started off well, but I was kind of disappointed with the ending. It seemed like you suddenly remembered you need to stop writing, just when you got to the interesting bit. I think that, if you didn't feel like exploring the idea more, you should at least have left it a mystery - something along the lines of "I waited in the basement, but nothing ever came. To this day I believe what I saw was real, but I will never be able to prove it."
I wholeheartedly agree with Spots on this one. The ending was not only disappointing but also didn't fit with the tone and voice of the whole piece! It felt very rushed and as if you gave up when you didn't know where to go. I was really enjoying this story also; it was kind of suspenseful, which I liked.
I like the idea of leaving it a mystery, as Spots suggested. Maybe you should try that. =)
Welcome to ThinkWrite, alexyboy. I look forward to reading more of your work!