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ThinkWrite Challenge LX

0 votes

Thanks again to Dragon for choosing me as torchbearer... though I'm not sure how y'all do it. It is hard to type while holding the torch. ;)

Also, thanks to everyone here for being so welcoming and encouraging. I really have enjoyed my short time here so far.

So I have been an avid reader all my life and over the years there have been some books that have stood out over the others. For this challenge I have decided to use some of my favorite books as inspiration. Each word below is the singular form of the first word (not counting "The") of the title from one of my favorite books.

  • Pillar
  • Hitchhiker
  • Water
  • Treasury
  • Bell
  • Pushcart
  • Root
  • Know-it-all
  • Girl
  • Enchanted
     

So there you have it. Please use all of the words above in your piece and you may use any form or tense of the words. I think this week we should have a little room to stretch our legs so I will accept anything under 300 words, though I probably won't mind if your inspiration takes you a little over either. :)

This will run until next Tuesday evening, November 23rd. Have fun and I look forward to reading all your stories!

set Nov 16, 2010 by De (73 points)
Thanks De for liking my poem to pick it and therefore me as a torch bearer......if possible can you tell me how i start to set the challege do i just press the set challenge button or set related challenge button

13 Responses

0 votes
 
Best response
SHE

Pushed from post to pillar,

a traffic light surfer on Darlinghurst Road

Formed from rough words and know it all attitudes

Arrogance between sheets that count bodies not thread.

She is Hell in a pushcart,

personified simply

Graceful disaster or an addicts' epiphany of hope in hopelessness

Just a number,

type female statistic on our governments' hard drive.

SHE is the

Devil may care hitchhiker who wears stillettos that drag attention from,

huge eyes that know too much

while she is unaware her soul can be seen

she forgets to cover the gleam,

or the shimmer

the visible treasury of misuse, abuse, regrets,should have beens and almost made its.
 

She exists to become the  root of all evil at the tupperware party, the misunderstoods poster child

the p and c meetings gossip mill

the succubus of a husbands' boredom.

A  reapers' bell tolls for She,

resonates the echo that caresses soul deep her mortailty,

She was always going to be next weeks headline

discarded down by the water in mossy isolation

societal garbage lies still,

hair twining around reeds clinging to movement as an after thought,

her stilletto found on a lonely stretch of bitumen

one red shoe a reminder of humanity's callous disregard.

 

An enchanted life that failed the pretty woman conclusion

She,

statistic

the headliner no one came to claim

dreamy daughter

She

maternal mother

She

lusty lover

She

subtle sister

She

willowy winsome whore

SHE

always

She the lonely fated mystery,

SHE

was once a  girl.
answered Nov 18, 2010 by artofsensuality (112 points)
edited Nov 18, 2010 by artofsensuality
It is amazing how one comma one mark  can change the whole meaning or thought behind a verse might be a good challenge  one time, please know i appreciate the effort you made and i enjoyed the way the poem ebbed in and out of the lines with your punctuation. I at the moment, find it hard to deliver anything but broken verses a bit muddled maybe I should be just lurking and not writing I felt inspired to write but maybe I am just not ready to write again(medication (for schizophrenia) I am on is killer) coffee helps....lol....just.....because punctuation is a must really to allow ease to read for people who bother to read and then even more so comment.As it was easier to read what you had writtten..so if i appear disjointed in thought processes i apologise......at the moment struggling with the kick of horse size yellow tablets.....smilin.thanks and hugs to ya.....deb....
Keep writing here, deb. I enjoy reading it. I don't critique to be mean - we all have our own styles. I understand the meds thing. I couldn't write AT ALL when I was on anti-psychotics. I like what you write. It's disjointed, but it works. Enjoy your coffee, that's my favorite drug. Hugs.
Thanks midnight
I like your criticism and i enjoy debating discussions and delectable disputes.....;0) i do feel sorry for people though who wade through my poems without punctuation....or my comments for that matter......I am finding punctuation overwhelming at the moment can handle the words and simplicity so maybe i will make my efforts shorter so they are eaqsier to digest make lots of lill poems....lol....one worders are becoming an attractive alternative.....I am actually supposed to be completing a course on legal studies but have been granted exemption for a couple of months.... not ready to return to the grind at all yet.....need to feed my soul with verses instead of hearses, and statutes of ill repute.... i enjoy reading here so i wont be going anywhere .....and i have an essay to glean somewhere here on this board....smilin atcha have a coffee lovin poetess laureate type of day from me to you.....deb
Congrats on being the torchbearer art'.  It's nice to have some new blood in our little cesspool to give us old farts a run for our money.  A wave of new talent is wonderful!
Thanks Doug.....;0).....new blood always is good......i am glad to be here very talented bunch of writers you all are.....and any kind of wave is good to be a part of.....smilin atcha ....deb
1 vote

277 words including title...

 

Enchantment

I was one of those know-it-all girls locked into a rocky relationship void of meaning. Mark spent more time working than thinking and I fell through the cracks. It wasn’t always that way as I was truly the belle of the ball once and had a fine career at the Treasury.

Now I stand sobbing near the waters edge trying to get to the root of my problems. Waves of guilt on how I ended it with “him” and how that hitchhiker changed my life forever.

I was driving the parkway and he looked cute enough, auburn hair blowing in the breeze on a gorgeous day. I stopped my convertible and he ran for the door and hopped in. He said he needed to get across town. Not one to argue with such a hunk, we took off. It wasn’t far down the road that I noticed his tone of voice changed. It went from almost lyrical to stern and demanding in short order. It was like a pillar of stone had sat itself on my passenger seat barking out orders. I stopped the car and forced him out.

I took off like a rocket and was quickly back up to freeway speed when I heard a sound that reminded me of carpet dragging on a linoleum floor. It got fainter as I drove. I reached my destination and got out of the car. Heading to the trunk to unload my bags, a grim sight appeared. Hanging on by a bloody thread to my bumper were three fingers. Blood spatters graced the entire back end of my car.

I can’t drive anymore, not even a pushcart. 

answered Nov 17, 2010 by doug (882 points)
Love the last line and the imagery throughout.....deb
Chilling story. Nicely crafted, though I do find myself wishing I knew more about the hitchhiker. Why did he get gruff, why did he hold on to bumper to his death? Good story that leaves me wanting more.
1 vote

 

“Apples”

I was hitchhiking through the middle-of-nowhere. Well, really, it was the middle of Kansas, but it amounts to the same. I felt like I'd been walking along this road for days. I hadn't seen a car pass in a while, and I ran out of water an hour before.

I finally reached what passed for a town around here: a gas station, a grocery store, and a couple of restaurants. The pillars holding up the roof above the gas pumps looked like they were about to give out. The whole town had that run-down feel.

As I approached the grocery store, I noticed a girl standing outside with a rusting pushcart. It had a bell hanging from the front, and was full of apples. As I passed her, she spoke.

“Care for an apple, Sir? Only a dollar.”

“You're in front of a grocery store. I'm sure they sell apples in there. It's not exactly the ideal location to sell apples.” I turned to walk away.

“Well aren't you a know-it-all? Next you'll want to be my treasurer and tell me that I'm not bringing in enough income.” Her long, slender fingers picked up an apple and she held it out to me. “Try one. Free sample.”

I was enchanted. The girl's gaze was magical as she locked eyes with me. I felt the roots of my soul being dug out as I bit into the sweetest, juiciest apple I'd ever tasted.

“I'll take them all.”

Her laugh became music and she became a fairy and flew off.

Now I stand every day in front of this grocery store with a pushcart full of apples, waiting for someone to buy them so I can be free to stick my thumb out and move on.

answered Nov 18, 2010 by midnightpoet (579 points)
edited Nov 18, 2010 by midnightpoet
It's nice to see you writing again.  Cute little story (fix the typo in paragragh 7 please).  This made me think of something from a fairy tale book.
Thank you for pointing out that typo. I actually had to search to find what you were talking about. Of course, that messes up my word count, it was 300 on the nose including the title. Now I'll have to say 300 not including the title :-)
Second paragraph: "I finally reached FOR what passed for a town" - extraneous "for". Remove it, and it's back to 300, including the title :)
ah, thank you morshy! That's perfect...I did not even notice the superfluous for
Love this whimsical fairy tail of cheeky charming prose...deb
I love the idea! Nice work!
I could see this in a book of modern fairy tales. Well written and enchanting.
0 votes

300 words, 304 with title

 

.Just the Day Job

There's the clever lady' shouted the boy. 'Know-it-all' muttered the teacher. I'm neither, just an in-between person in a job I love. Some people hate the work, but I can't understand how anyone cannot be enchanted by all the hands-on science stuff we have. A hot air balloon, a hydrogen rocket, a shadow capturer - what's not to like?!

And of course there's the water - more toddlers come now that we have it, less mess at home! Girls and boys, no difference, all enjoy the fountains, locks and dams. The young just play, adults and older children engineer the way the water flows, and some try to flood the floor.

The first thing I was shown when I started working here was how to open the treasure chest. It's a secret - hush - don't use the obvious key, Do you have fridge magnets at home?

It's not a custom-built building, unlike some other Science Centres, so we have dark pillars which people sometimes bump into. Most of us are first-aid trained though, so that's OK. They rarely die, but when they do we're very good at filling in the proper forms correctly. We've had practice. Toddlers, water and carers chatting, not watching, help us practise. Deep floods on floors help us practise too.

Rick tried growing sunflowers in the Centre, but the soil wasn't deep enough for the roots. More practice with dead things.

But wait - I hear a bell. I hid, so the duty manager thinks I left hours go and has herself left, Come in, my met-this-morning hitch-hiking  friend. Bring your pushcart with you – there’s a great accessibility ramp you can use it on.

More practice with dead things soon, perhaps? No forms needed. I might even manage to capture the shadow this time.

.

 

.

answered Nov 19, 2010 by Moondreamer (24 points)
Hi all,

I'm new here, came through Jigsawdoku, and ThinkDraw - haven't been brave enough to,post anything on there!

I have 'lurked' for a bit, so hope I understand things properly.

I wanted to write fiction for this, but the words linked into where I work, so it started out as factual, but it then took itself down a dark turning.

Edited for syntax, not meaning.
Welcome to ThinkWrite, Moondreamer!
I'm finding it hard to comment on your story, because I feel like I haven't understood it properly. It's a bit jumbled and unconnected, but I somehow have the feeling it's supposed to be that way. My instinct tells me that it's brilliant and that my mind just needs to work through it a bit more, until I get to that "Aha!" moment.
In any case, keep writing, you seem to have a lot of talent and I think we're gonna be anxious to read your next piece. :)
Welcome Moondreamer!

Ok, I actually read your comment before I read the story so I started reading it as your personal experience so when I got to the part about people dying from bumping into pillars it made me almost stop in horror then laughter. Especially the very casual way you and your colleagues approach death. You know how to fill out the forms correctly so it's all ok. lol!

I do agree with Spots that the way it is written is a bit disjointed but surprisingly, I don't mind it too much. I am reminded of when I visited science centers when I was a kid and there was so much to look at and play with. You would be thinking about the next exhibit before you were done with the one you were playing with because there was so much to do. Sensory overload for almost.

I almost wish you had either left out the obsession with dead things or had a bit more room to explore it. I enjoyed the beginning with describing the science center but the end where you start talking about dead things confuses me a little. I do like where it is going though so I think it may just be suffering from a short word count. I can see it becoming an interesting story if allowed to stretch and mature a bit more.
Thank you very much for the welcome, Spots! Also thanks very much for the comments; they are much appreciated. You're right; I haven't managed to describe the underlying connections properly. I think it's partly because I was trying to get the word list in, and it took itself off on  a strange path. I enjoyed the first attempt here though!

Moondreamer
Sorry Spots and De, obviously I haven't quite got the hang of the response system yet - I was sure I had replied under Spots comment, but it came out under De's! Will check more carefully next time.

Thanks De also very much for the welcome and comments, both are very much appreciated. The obsession with the dead things was an attempt to get the hitchiker in in a less expected manner, perhaps. And yes, I agree completely I didn't manage to develop it properly in even 300 words . I need to practise that.

First Aid forms are terribly important! I was having a bit of a dig at them, but in real life we take every accident seriously - until that hitchiker comes calling perhaps...!

Moondreamer
Moondreamer:  I'll add my welcome and say oh, that wicked old word list.  Isn't hard to fit it seamlessly without turning another direction.  Practice and maybe next time you'll hit a home run.
FYI, the comments here always end up on the bottom, no matter which button (link) you press. ;)
Thanks, doug, for the welcome  and comments - very much appreciated.  I'm really happy I have found this place where I can practise! Challenging and good.
Thanks, Spots, for telling me that.
0 votes

 

The pillar of water stood before me like an omen. A bell rang and the elevator door opened. 
I turned, leaving the fountain behind me and walked into the tiny chamber. 
As the door was closing, I saw a man running with a pushcart towards me. He made it just in time. 
"Thanks for the lift," he said, like he was some sort of hitchhiker. I nodded.
The treasury was located on the tenth floor of the twelve story building. The pushcart guy left on the second.
That was a relief. I didn't want to have to ride all the way up crammed against the side of the confined box.
A girl came in on the fourth floor, with a curvy figure and an enchanted smile on her face. My day instantly improved. I wished she'd accompany me to the top but I lost her on level seven.
What a shame. Having nothing more to look at, I found myself thinking about the square root of 100. For some reason, I couldn't think what it was. Panic struck me and I started thinking that maybe it was an irrational number. Then I couldn't remember how to calculate using irrational numbers. Oh dear, what am i going to do?!
"Ten," the man beside me (he had walked in when the girl left) said, when I didn't leave the lift on my chosen floor.
"Know-it-all," I muttered as I walked out.
answered Nov 20, 2010 by Spots (867 points)
edited Nov 22, 2010 by Spots
I really liked the end of this story. I can just imagine your guy shooting the "know-it-all" man a disgusted look as he exited the elevator and the other man looking all bewildered as to what was wrong.

There was one line that seemed a little clumsy to me and that was:

"'Ten,' the man beside me that walked in when the girl left, said..."

That part tripped me up a bit while I was reading and I had to reread it a couple time before I continued on. Perhaps briefly mentioning the man when the girl leaves would work? Maybe, "...but I lost her on level seven. She was replaced by a man. What a shame." and then "'Ten,' said the man beside me when I didn't leave the lift on my chosen floor." Just a suggestion.

Overall, you wrote a very entertaining story about one normal elevator ride. I could really see how the word list shaped your story and you let them take you along for the ride instead of just forcing them somewhere. Very nicely done.
Yes, I knew that part would trip people up. I used to use a lot of complex sentences and over time I've learned to avoid them (though I personally still enjoy them). They're a challenge to do right. I was trying to think of a way around it, but I didn't want to talk about the man before. He was irrelevant to the main character and therefore should have remained unnoticed. But, I do like your suggestion, I think it works perfectly. Thanks for the comment!
I like this a lot. Very well paced, a simple story of riding the elevator up, and it leaves me with a smile on my face.

Another way to change that awkward sentence without mentioning the man too early would be something like: "'Ten,' said the man beside me -- he had walked in when the girl left -- when I didn't leave the lift on my chosen floor." This makes the fact that he walked in when the girl left a parenthetical phrase, and lets the reader know when the man entered the picture while also letting us know that he was irrelevant to the main character.
Thanks a lot, that sounds good.
1 vote

A Bell

The apple peddler entered the Bromberg early Saturday morning. A small silver bell tinkled merrily as the rickety pushcart rumbled over the ancient cobblestones of the town. Two streets over, Father Gerome looks up as he hears the faint ringing of the applecart and all the worries that kept him awake last night came rushing back to him. A bell was all he needed. He looks around the beautiful little church that has been his project for the past nine years; from the intricately carved pillars to the ornate alter cloth, he had planned and toiled over every last detail. Now it was finished. Almost. There was only one last thing needed to make God's house complete. Father Gerome opened the big oak doors and walked outside. He squinted against the morning sun and looked up to the towering belfry. It was taller than any other structure in Bromberg but it was unable to do the job it was built for.

Father Gerome sat heavily down on the stone steps of his masterpiece. To build this church he had begged, borrowed, and guilted every last penny he could from this town. Now, on the eve of his triumph, he barely had enough left in the treasury to feed himself, much less buy a bell worthy of such a magnificent belfry. He needed a bell that would enchant all who heard it. Merchants from town and peasants from the countryside would all answer the call of the bell and would stream into the church to allow Father Gerome to speak to their souls. But it was not to be.

Yesterday, Father Gerome swallowed his pride and visited Duke Bromley at his estate. The Duke sat on his big mahogany chair drinking wine as he offered water to Father Gerome. He waited patiently as Father Gerome explained his need and when the Father was finished the Duke's face broke out into a big smile and he laughed heartily.

“You have a lot of balls to come asking me for money again, Father.”

Father Gerome hung his head, knowing what would come next.

“I have paid for more than half of that church by now,” said the Duke. “At this point, I am more likely to give a hitchhiker all my land than I am to give you one more measly coin,”

Father Gerome swallowed. “But God will...”

“I have already bought my way into heaven,” the Duke interrupted. “God will not keep me out of heaven because I refused to buy a bell. Your church is complete. Your flock of pitiful worshipers can meet there with or without a bell.”

Father Gerome remembered this meeting with loathing. That damn know-it-all Duke would one day regret not buying the bell. He still sat on the church steps and he looked around the town square in front of the church. A dog was rooting around in a trash can, The baker was setting out his morning offering of bread, and the applecart was making its way across the square noisily. The cart stopped in front of the church and the apple peddler held out a shiny red apple to the sitting priest.

“Apple Father?” a pleasant voice asks.

Father Gerome was about to decline but he looked at the person offering him the apple and he stopped himself. The regular apple peddler was a big man with a soft voice. He and his family were often at the Sunday church service. Standing in front of Father Gerome now was the apple peddler's daughter, a tiny wisp of a girl, barely big enough to push the heavy pushcart. He could see her toes through her shoes soaked by the cold morning dew.

“Where is your father this morning child?”

The girl looked down. “My father came down sick a couple weeks ago and two days ago he died.”

Shocked, Father Gerome dug out three pennies from his robe and handed them to the girl. “Who gave him his last rites?”

“Nobody,” she said, handing him the apple.

Father Gerome buried his face in his hands, devastated. He had failed. He had been so preoccupied with the church and the bell that he had not noticed their absence from Sunday service, paid no heed to the news of his illness, and had not been available when he was needed the most. A man journeyed to the afterlife without final absolution because his priest had been too busy worrying about a bell. Father Gerome started crying. He looked up to face the girl but she was gone. The square was empty. How did she leave so silently?

Father Gerome sat for a while longer on the steps. He had spent nine years obsessed with building the most beautiful sanctuary for God and the whole time all God had wanted was a shepherd to look after his flock. Father Gerome had failed God and his flock. Perhaps that is why God had not given him a bell. Why call more sheep to the fold when he couldn't even care for the ones he already had?

Father Gerome started to rise from the steps and stopped as he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. There, sitting on the step next to him, was a small silver bell. Just like one that had tinkled merrily from a pushcart, pushed down the streets of Bromberg early one Saturday morning.

answered Nov 20, 2010 by De (73 points)
Sooo... I had an idea that started out as a 300 word story but it ran away with me and turned into a 900+ word story. I couldn't bear to edit it down to 300 so you get it just as it is.

I don't know why, but 2 of my last three challenge stories have been about churches. Just where the words take me. This one was partially inspired by a couple different books I have read recently that were set in European monasteries.
churches practically stomp on you to delve into the corners thats what i reckon Ill give you a few examples the confessional booth (considered becoming a nun just so i could listen to the whispers )which gives me an idea i am going to try and write a church poem dont know how i can fit the pushcart in a confessional booth.....hah did you just smile...i am psychic...lol.....i actually love the descriptiveness the three pennies clinking, big man with a soft voice tinkling bells  i could write down all of the description that painted a picture for me but instead i will write....picturesque prose..... from deb who is fond of alliteration......i love this thinkwrite thingie.....so much talent......so inspiring ps "begged borrowed guilted" .....classic
the imagery you use is incredible. I could see it it vividly as I read it.
0 votes

The Village

The hitchhiker paused as he heard the bell ring out from the church tower. It seemed to him to be the very root of what the English village was, and which enchanted him so much. There was the faint background sound of water from the stream that ran under the bridge by the pillar of the old market cross. Against the wall of the old smithy was a pushcart and a pretty girl wandered by with her arms full of wild flowers. Somewhere in the nearby inn there would be a know it all putting the world to rights, but out here on such a fine day this was a treasury of all that old England had to offer.

answered Nov 21, 2010 by Saxon (596 points)
0 votes

I'll just call this one a test of the brain.  I think I've created enough word jumbles, tangles and redirected nonsense you could read it three times and still not find all the crap.  But have fun with it.  It also may just be brainless.

 

Creature comforts standing like tall pillars gently guiding my life. Comforts of food and water are never scarce for those who stand on their own two feet. Treasurer’s bonds make saving comfortable and my finances on a solid footing especially when the exchange’s bell rings marking the end of the day. Apples from a push cart rooted to the very spot of my three o’clock meeting, opportunistic comfort. The meeting is dry, attended by a know-it-all pushy primadona who tries to treat me like a girl instead of a suit, making me uncomfortable. I saw the hitchhiker on the way home, but I could not offer him comfort…a ride. 

answered Nov 22, 2010 by doug (882 points)
0 votes
Well over 300 words. And that's pared down to the bone!!! But it was fun anyways...ooooh, and talk about formulaic....yikes!

"The Cleaner"

The phrase always made her laugh: “pillar of the community”. If they’d been talking about the column in his pants...even then, column was pushing it. It was the root of all his problems, if you’d pardon the pun. A promising career in the Treasury had failed to materialise after one-too-many rumours had turned out to be true. She tested the warmth of the water, satisfied it was the right side scalding. She adjusted the towel, let her hair fall free, and padded back to the bedroom.

He presumed the girl was a hitchhiker. She had a large rucksack, lived-in looking denims, walking boots and a parka. Her auburn hair was piled on top of her head, in a haphazard, but sexy way. He had been enchanted by her. Pushing fifty, he was far too old for her, but he counted on his fame and “rugged” good looks, to at least let him buy her a drink. She was engaging and witty. She laughed at his jokes, and it didn’t sound forced. So he was pleased that his suggestion of a nightcap had been met with approval. Just his luck to be coming down with something though. Every time he closed his eyes, the world tilted. His secretary, that know-it-all with the perma-tan and frosted hair, who refused to let him into her knickers, had told him he drank far too much. Maybe this time she was right. Maybe he was going to hell in a pushcart….hand basket….wash-basin….whatever the hell that phrase was….

She was pleased to see the pill she’d slipped into his champagne was having the desired effect. She let the towel fall to the floor, revealing the shorts and strapless top she was wearing. She coaxed him into the bathroom and eased him into the bath, all the while whispering encouragement into his ear. The she closed his eyes one final time, and slid the straight razor from its sheath.

The alarm bells should have been ringing, but the water felt so good, and her lips on his ear so nice, that he barely registered the pressure on his wrists.

She placed the letter on the bureau in the room, stuffed the expensive auburn wig into her bag and placed everything under the room service cart. She told anyone who would listen she was a cleaner, and she loved her job.
answered Nov 22, 2010 by morshy (197 points)
What a wicked tale!  Love the imagery..."large rucksack, lived-in denims...auburn hair was piled on top of her head, in a haphazard, but sexy way"... and the killer ending was unexpected.
Love this one morshy.  I thought she was something other than what he noticed but the ending was still not what I was expecting (always good in a short story, in my opinion).   You have a talent for developing characters in a small amount of words.
I for on, expected the ending, but only because the story was posted on this site. AND it did not in any way diminish the enjoyment of reading it. Well done once again, morshy.
0 votes
One more day to get em in!

I'll pass the torch tomorrow evening. Great job so far. I have really enjoyed what your creative selves have come up with. :)
answered Nov 22, 2010 by De (73 points)